Let’s talk about why you don’t need to be ‘healed’ before dating

What do we owe the people we date? Respect? For sure. Clear communication? Definitely. The most ‘healed’ version of ourselves? Hmm, not so sure on that one.

went viral, in which she claimed that nobody “should be dating until their shit is together”.

and the price of therapy.

off altogether. Being able to run a 5k isn’t going to have any bearing on whether or not you’re fit to be in a relationship. Romantic relationships are not something you have to earn by being a ‘productive’ member of society with a gym membership and a BetterHelp subscription. Lots of people will never meet the cultural benchmark of ‘having their shit together’ and shouldn’t be relegated to a lifetime of singledom because of it. What’s more, many X (Twitter) users pointed out that beyond the fact that large swaths of people are unable to access therapy or financial independence, it shouldn’t matter even if you can and don’t.

“When we do not take care of ourselves, we tend to attract people who are not that great for us. Our level of discernment is jaded because our sense of self, taking care of yourself is jaded. For me, the more I take care of myself, the more I honour my body, my mind, and my soul – as a result, my level of discernment is better. I'm able to easily recognise when something or someone is not for me.”

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, a psychotherapist who specialises in relationship therapy says that in a ‘perfect world’ people would fully work through any past trauma or cognitive blocks before wading into the world of dating “So as to not let the past negatively impact the present.” But, she explains, “we don’t live in a perfect world and so if someone great comes along, it’s better to be open and honest about where you are in your healing journey and communicate what you need from someone and what you have capacity to offer at this time. The right person would be patient and understanding.”

? Unlike healing from a wound, where there is a clear beginning (the injury) and end (when you are no longer injured), healing in the dating sense seems to have morphed into a perpetual state of self-optimisation – one where we’re trying to heal from the fallibility and messiness of the human condition itself.

. ‘Being healed’ has come to act as a way of distancing ourselves from all the glorious, difficult parts of being and loving a person. This is perhaps less surprising when you consider the term’s roots in wellness circles that position health and wellbeing as an individualistic pursuit of self-betterment.

Here’s the dirty little secret: you can’t get better without other people. You can’t think, journal, or meditate your way into trusting people again after you’ve been betrayed. You have to take the plunge to get proof that other people can be trustworthy. Demanding that people should only date once they’ve reached a certain level of ‘healing’ (one that conveniently aligns with capitalist ideas of success) is a way of trying to protect yourself from the possibility of getting hurt.

“If someone meets the right person, who themselves have done the necessary psychological work it may provide an accepting and safe context for someone to explore and nourish themselves or provide a healthy template to build a relationship on,” explains Jodie, but she also cautions that this can be different for everyone and depends largely on what kind of trauma you’re healing from. For some people, dating may trigger unresolved issues and people may need to take a step back to look after themselves.

No relationship will be completely perfect because no two people ever can be. Your partner will inevitably hurt you sometimes (emotionally and unintentionally, to be crystal clear) and you’ll hurt them too. That’s just what it means to love someone. While it’s admirable to work on yourself so your so-called ‘baggage’ doesn’t cause unnecessary problems in a relationship, you are not required to be perfectly healed to deserve love. In fact, you never will be ‘healed’ unless you get out there and work on your shit with other people. Or, you know, you’ll never be ‘healed’ at all because we’re all flawed in our own wonderfully chaotic ways. We shouldn’t have to strive to achieve a constant of inner-peace, one that can apparently only be achieved through paying for therapy or gym memberships, in order to earn companionship with others, particularly when community is so vital to our mental well-being.